i don't care if it's popular, i just want it to be me

Ojai, CA

Okay, real talk. It’s really difficult to write this blog while on the road.

I'm not on the road at this exact moment—which might be one of the reasons why this writing is even making it's way here right now. I flew back home because my mom and I are going to Burning Man together! It'll be her first Burn and my second, and we are spending this week prepping, which has given me this divine time and space to be able to reflect on these last 3 and a half months in the van so far. And one of the things that has been niggling at me is that the blog has often felt more stressful than inspiring...

When I observe, read, or scroll by other travel blogs, they all make it appear so easy and effortless to be able to write at least once per week, and post photos just about every day. And I’m looking at these blogs and tracking all the places these people are going, thinking, how in the hell do you get service there?!?!? AND How much damn time do you spend on your device?! You're in NATURE what are you DOING silly?

When we were traveling in Australia and Costa Rica at the start of the year, we were staying at Airbnb's or hotels, so there was almost always WiFi to be able to post a writing, and enough down time to feel able to write at all. Traveling in the van however, especially the way that Terence and I have been doing it—backroads, traveling almost every day, and camping far away from town centers—we are rarely in WiFi areas, or even service areas for that matter. Which, of course, is friggen fantastic in one sense: bathing in nature instead of bathing in EMF. And, also of course, it's a big womp womp in another sense: a blog kinda requires blog posts…

A part of me hates to admit that I have compared myself and my blog to these travel bloggers—these travel bloggers are, of course, actually paid for what they do, blogging is their business, and they are writing how-to’s and where-to’s and what-to-do’s, while I’m doing this for fun and writing about feelings and relationship dramas and that spiritual moment I had on a toilet in a Safeway in Canada. Classy shit, eh? In a nutshell, this blog is a tad different. And I’ve begun to realize that more and more over these last few months in the van. I don't want to be like those other travel blogs...it looks exhausting. Specifically, I’ve noticed…

- I don’t want to be on my phone or my computer as much
- I feel more compelled to write about things that seemingly have nothing to do with details of travel and more to do with the details of life
- I don’t care about the blog being a popular blog, I just want it to be me

These feel like some good guidelines moving forward. I think I’ll keep em.

I realized while talking with a dear friend yesterday, that it’s been a little over half a year since I started writing this blog. And with that in mind, I’m actually not surprised that it seems to be changing its shape…

I have been changing shape since this year began. We all have. We all do. Whether we are traveling or not. But traveling tends to accelerate the shape-shifting, the lesson-learning, the horizon-expanding. So why would I think that my blog wouldn't change its shape right along with me?...

So far on this journey: I have gained incredible life skills. I have begun to receive inspiration about what I might want to explore next year. The ways I am connecting with my body is changing and blossoming. There have been fights and arguments on the road. There have been days where I don't want to be van-ning, I want to go home. I have cried a lot, and had trouble sleeping some nights. I have seen sights that are indescribable and impossible to fully capture in a photo. I have tried a carnivore diet for two weeks. I have felt my passions and dreams taking clearer form. I am discovering more of who my Woman is. I have been learning a lot about sexuality and sexual energy dynamics. I have started cultivating a relationship with Anger in a healthy way. I have confronted and held space for beautifully vulnerable relationship realities with my partner...

A lot of these things I have written about and shared here. And a lot more of these things I have written about and have not shared here. Because sometimes, when all this kind of real-life stuff is going down, I don't want to share it on the internet. I actually believe it's healthier not to share it on the internet until it has been fully experienced within me first.

So I wait. For a yes within me. For the call from my creative spirit to write about it. This isn't a paper that's due every week that I need to push past writer's block to complete. This is a pleasure project. And I suppose I'm reminding myself of that, by writing about it, because the yes was here today.

I guess I'm reminding myself that this blog, being by me, will change along with me. And that that's okay. And I'm nodding to you lovely humans out there, if you're along for this ride in my weird-wonderful-world, that I'm totally, chaotically, blissfully still figuring it all out as I go along too. And I'm glad that the moments I choose to share here, frequent or hilariously delayed, are honest ones.