follow the flow
a travel journal and photography journey
I AM AN AUNT! For the second time, I am an aunt! But "auntie" is much better. Auntie Teagan. Has a nice ring to it, huh? Two beautiful boys have entered into my family, and it is the best thing. They are the best thing. And this writing is about the one who arrived a week and a half ago while I was in Massachusetts.
I am an auntie to a delicious, beautiful, bright eyed and open souled little boy, named Grayson. Grayson Moss Rose. He has the hairline and bright blue eyes of my brother, Braxton, and the adorable button nose and theatrically expressive mouth of my sister-in-law, Meghan. He was born on his due date (punctuality, I like it), Saturday, January 19, at 7:55am in Brax and Meg's home in Wayland, MA.
My parents and I showed up at their house in the afternoon on Saturday, after Brax had called to say that he wanted us to come meet his son. When the door opened, Brax was crying. It was a gentle, overwhelmingly happy, I can't believe how amazing this is kind of crying. And so, naturally, none of us could keep it together. We all wept right there at the door. Brax sort of chuckled and said I've been sobbing all morning, with a smile on his face.
We slowly walked through their kitchen of fairy lights and plants, down their calm and dim hallway, and into their bedroom. The air felt both soft and weighted. That room had held the experience of birth a few hours prior, and I felt so honored to be there. Sitting on her bed, in the light of reflected snow from outside, was Meg, with a new little human in her arms. She was glowing—in that way that women glow after feeling and knowing the strength and miracle of our bodies. And I stood near the door as my mom and dad entered. They gave her a hug and a kiss and their hearts poured into her lap and into the boy laying in it. And I was smile-crying at the door. The sheer Godlike nature of this sight—of this new mother, a few hours after childbirth, sitting peacefully with her creation on the canvas where he was conceived. Smiling and sobbing, I walked to the bed and gazed at this beautiful boy, and his Goddess of a mother. I looked up at Brax (who was still crying) and could viscerally feel the connection between him and this little boy who looked just like him. Braxton's son. I thought. This is Braxton's son. This is, my brother's son. The truth of this only made me smile-weep more.
And I'm suddenly struck by how many times there was this "smile-weeping," "cry-laughing," "joyous-sobbing" throughout this visit and this experience. I think one of the reasons for this is that we are looking Change right in the face. And Change means that things will never be the same again. We are letting go of something amazing to embrace a new amazing. My mom actually wrote about this on her blog, and Meg wrote about this quite often through her Instagram posts throughout her pregnancy. Posts about motherhood that I think everyone should read. Posts about the grief that is present in the most joyous of experiences. Posts about being in each moment fully, because a new one is already on its way. We are, of course, always living this reality, but rarely here enough to feel it. The beauty of it. The sadness of it. The gift of it--because man would life be boring if it wasn't so. This is why the moments of smile-crying are so magical to me: the moment Leaving and the moment Entering being felt at the same time.
The moment Entering was this boy. Grayson. Amazing Grayson. Watching him—as we sat and talked and hugged and cried—his eyes were open, his presence full, and his energy wide. He felt so here to me. So centered in his body already. He had landed, and was ready for the ride of his life. Literally. This baby is a special human. And I love him so much already.
Right before my mom and I flew out from Massachusetts, we went to visit the new family of three one more time. I got to hold Grayson's little body in my arms and get lost in his absorbent eyes. We chatted a bit—meaning I talked and he telepathically told me that he was pretty into what I was saying. I had learned recently that if I am calm and in my center, the baby will typically feel calm and in his center. So I stood up gently to rock him and create an easeful flow between us. Braxton picked this moment to tell me Teagan, Meg and I want you to be Grayson's godmother.
I almost screamed, but kept it to a silent scream thankfully. I started shaking and crying while smiling and laughing. And Grayson started crying, because I was clearly no longer calm. Fuck! I'm sorry Grayson! I'll be calm! I'll be calm! I said, as I was nowhere near being calm again. Before I handed him back over to a laughing and radiant Meg, I rocked him sweetly for a few more moments; feeling the welcome weight of his body in my arms, feeling the welcome responsibility of loving and being there for my nephew, and my godson.
And that is the photo you see below. So many emotions. So much love. So much of the amazing Leavings and Enterings. And the YES that I feel in my body to all of it.
Welcome to the world, Grayson. I am so happy that you're here and that you chose Brax and Meg to be yours. You picked great ones.